You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
You Might Also Like
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
Battery falling down a hole
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.