I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
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an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands