I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
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me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
Note to self: always read the final line
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
The Book. The Movie.
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.