ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
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*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
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