Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
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Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me