Awesome parenting 😂
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My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
This is painfully accurate 😅