For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
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Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
*jingles half the way*
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
sugar glider wrangler
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.