When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
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Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
asking santa clause for nudes
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.