Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
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If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.