[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
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Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
Beware of the “party goblin”…
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook