The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
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Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*