[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
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Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
How about daylight saves us for once
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”