I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
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One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
She was REALLY feeling it.
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.