I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
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Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.