[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
You Might Also Like
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities