7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
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In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
My patience has stretch marks.
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.