me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
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her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
At Walmart during the holidays like..
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
“i miss shittin on people”
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
Here’s a meme
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
I just discovered that a serving of Oreos contains 8% of your daily iron needs, since most women don’t get enough iron it would be irresponsible not to eat several servings a day, you’re welcome ladies
Just grow your own
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width