[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
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“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
Carpe DM
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.