Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
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My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.