Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
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If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
These aliens are taking forever.
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
Meow?
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip