They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
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[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi