I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
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Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns