If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
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Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
it’s finally my moment to shine
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺