Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
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The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.