Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
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My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito