My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
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[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.