Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
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A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
It’s the weekend y’all
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.