could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
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Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY: