She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
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I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.