My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
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I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.