I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
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Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up