Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
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No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.