MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
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My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”