Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
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How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
My Plans 2020
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
Nice try, NASA
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
6. me as a lawyer
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day