And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
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I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence