Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
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I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
They got a point!
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.