My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
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[screaming into the void]
MARCO
NOT all policemen are strippers.
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
My dog after a walk in the woods.
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”