person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
You Might Also Like
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
❤️❤️❤️
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
When a shoelace touches your ankle
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them