Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
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Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed