Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
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Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
this is the most humiliating day of my life
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
This dude got his own movie?