Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
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I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
When you “pspspsp” too hard
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
I was just discussing this with my cat
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?