They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
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Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
scared to check what name she chose
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
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No, why?
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?