Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
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I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
I broke a tooth eating a carrot. I’ve never broken a tooth while eating a donut.
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”