I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
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My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
🚲+physics = winner
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons