Basically.
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How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
“just sayin” who asked you though?
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.