He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
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My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
Thanks to a fan for this one.
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!