Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
You Might Also Like
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
Are these grass-fed oranges?
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news