Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
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here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
Make new friends? bro out of what?
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that