if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
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Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.