If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
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Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist